In the early days, control was important. It was important
for me to mould her into the perfect ideal, of what I believe I wanted in a
potential life partner. It didn’t work. She was an individual spirit, with a
more stubborn outlook than apparent. And – much like myself, wasn’t going to
allow anybody power of influence, over the core of what makes her who she is. A
year into this relationship, I began to understand my need for control developed
from an irrational, conditioned fear; a fear she could abandon me at any moment,
a fear she could leave – I don’t know for certain. All I knew, was no
relationship grows inside the constricting framework of fear; only love – a
place where boundaries remain non-existent. I had to make a change.
Conversely to this, she had accepted me for all my
qualities; the wonderful, the obscure, and the downright ridiculous. Her ethos
was one of people are people; and when you love someone, you accept them for
all that they are; within reason - she wouldn’t stick around if I ever struck
her – and I wouldn’t expect her to. I saw this attitude in her parents; who
remain together after many years, even though they are the quintessential
bickering old couple. The emotional side of our upbringings were always a
major difference between us; she was raised around love, me around not hate,
but a fear which manifested as hate. Fear is the true opposite of love, and
where all negative aspects of life are rooted; this from someone who has wasted many years of life, in that shitty place.
As time drew on, and the nature of her personality came through,
I began to understand how these irrational fears
had developed in my youth, and were no longer necessary; they were designed around
people now completely meaningless in my life, so why keep holding them? In truth, the worry
of giving myself to someone who would abuse it was always a major concern. But
time unravels everybody’s true nature;
and hers is as genuine as I have ever seen. Why is she like this? We
both have natural compassion, but she knows how to love – and had the
metaphorical
balls to tell fear to go fuck itself. She had already seen love, to know
love. For me, it arrived in such an apparent manner, much later in the
day. It is in many ways like learning to read and write a foreign
language, as an adult; children pick it up instinctively.
With fear, relationships stagnate, breed more fear, and become
awash in negativity. As it develops, a couple forever remain lost, driven in
their actions by the fear of infidelity, loss of interest, running out of communication
tools, you name it. It is always sad to see a couple with a total lack of
passion in one another. I guess, on a deeper level, this can be transferred to
the wider world itself; fear It and remain trapped. Love it, and watch the
world grow like a sunflower in the heart of a perfect summer.
And this is what I know now, that I did not know three years
ago. Love is never about power, control, or imprisoning a soul to suit our own insecurities.
In fact, love is the polar opposite. It is about being able to yield power; trusting
it shall not be abused. Letting go of control; knowing you cannot crash when
all the walls you built through fear, no longer exist. And accepting personal insecurity
as our own problem, and no one else's. When we learn to accept human beings for all their quirks
and odd, unique ways, we then learn to accept ourselves in the same positive
manner. As long as the person we accept is not driven by the self-destructive and
generally quite selfish nature of fear, it is likely to turn out okay. And if
you personally are – like I once was – and still fight with, now and again.
Remember that love is pure, and fear is imaginary.
In
the early days, control was important. Today, I no longer
fear the need for it. It is love which affords me the ability to write
this so openly; If I had used fear instead, I wouldn't have the
metaphorical balls to even start...
Lee.
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