The Australian English.

"English Gentleman" 2013

Technically, Australians are English. The main difference separating the European English from the Australian English, however, is the Australian English – mixed in with a few nefarious Celts, are the result of forcing hundreds of thousands of early 18th century English rapists, muggers, and thieves halfway across the world to a remote, tropical paradise. Whereas the European English are a searing melting-pot of ancient history; created from groups such as the all conquering Romans, stoic Germanic tribes, and fearless Nordic warriors.

Over the course of the last two centuries, both nations have evolved in drastic yet powerful measures. England conquered and eventually relinquished power of most of the natural world. Saw political and social revolutions; as well as survive two global wars. And - with pure dignity, handed humanity some of its finest culture, cuisine, and technological breakthroughs. The land down under - now known as Australia, played cricket on the beach, forced native Aboriginals into virtual obliteration, and invented Rolf Harris. 

All the while however, as the Aussies constructed a sun-drenched world-of-criminal-war craft, it was impossible to ignore the English flourish. It made them feel an impassioned anger, at a Mother-land which had discarded them like a Prisoner Cell Block H VHS box-set; chucked into a charity shop bargain bin with the autobiography of Yahoo Serious, and signed autographs of Clive James. The Aussies – in-between organized bouts of aboriginal bashing, had time to brood, and to build. By the day they became a land free from the ancestors who sent them there, they finally understood their sole reason for being, was to beat the English at any task, at any cost. Nothing less would be acceptable, in the eyes of the Australian.  

Since then till now, Australians are taught that because they can't be natural English, they must devote their lives to defeating them at all things; mostly sports - everything else involves too much thinking. Many victories have been won and lost on both sides. The Ashes; a small cricket urn fought between the two every few years, has predominantly been won by the Aussies; (though it should be noted, losing teams in their land are publicly whipped on Sydney Harbour Bridge, then forced to watch the entire collection of Alf Stewart scenes in Home And Away - which some actually enjoy), so the pressure on their chip-filled shoulders is far greater to succeed.  

"Australian 'Man' 2013"
This obsession with sport, has effected their growth in many other avenues of creativity and thought. Australian art lacks the sophistication of England; any nation who’s most successful movie is about a middle-aged leather bushman with a massive knife, is hardly comparable to Shakespeare.They also still worship Ned Kelly - a convict. Though this does make sense; Aussies are big on respecting their past, and their national motto is "if it aint broke, I'm still gonna steal it."...

Joking aside, the English and the Aussies make great enemies, because they are loaded in similarities unique to their countries. Both are known for their belligerent arrogance to the wider world; believing they know better, and are better than everybody else – especially one another. Both are skilled in global diplomacy, yet also bone-chillingly ruthless in the face of adversity. Neither like to or will allow any nation to bully them, and both are shit at international football, and produce appalling commercially oriented pop stars.

Deep down, all Australians are a little bit English. Deep down, all English have an odd kind of affection for Australians. They are us – only with much more sun, much less civilization, and a heap more sporting success. Geographically, they are the furthest nation from England on this planet. Emotionally, they are the closest nation to England on this planet. Regardless of all these facts; nothing beats a little Aussie bashing…  mate!


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