The News at Hedgehog.

I don't like news. I don't particularly appreciate slanted media coverage of global events. I find tabloids and news websites uber-depressing. Why, you may ask? Well, lets run through a list of today's major stories over at the BBC News website; one of the foremost visited sites in the world of a day on Earth, and see which tidbits of life have managed to warm the cockles of my soul...

1. Freddie Starr arrested in Jimmy Savile abuse inquiry.
The perfect way to begin the day, whilst munching on your Corn Flakes. Information about an unproven paedophile, and a dude being arrested for grabbing some teenagers arse twenty years ago. I guess it takes a while for the goose to hit the gander.
Negative rating: 6/10 - Positive rating: 0/10

2. Trick-or-treat children given cocaine in Oldham.
"No sweets, just cash or drugs!"
There must have been a few kids this morning up North who actually saw the Honey Monster, after sprinkling their Halloween treats on Sugar Puffs. It was either give the kids some Charlie, or have their tyres slashed.
Negative rating: 7/10 - Positive rating: 0/10

3. Sandy death toll hits 80 and keeps rising.
You cannot fault the Americans. In taking our land, they also managed to steal our steely never-say-die attitude. So, you have to hand it to the beeb. Instead reminding us how over 100 million Yankees survived a brutal storm with great dignity and courage, they mention the minimal few who met their maker. No death is ever a good thing, but 80 could have been 800, or 8000, or more. A story meant to inspire, destroyed by the hurricane of media.
Negative rating: 10/10 -
Positive rating: 0/10

4. Body found in missing Boy search. 
"Fear my words of fear! Muhahahah!"
There are no more harrowing stories than those of lost children. So stop exploiting them, and let the families go through this in peace - without throwing this shit in their faces over a national forum.
Negative rating 7/10 - Positive rating: 0/10 

5. Man, 84, stabbed nephew to death.
 A man with dementia, accidentally kills his nephew after believing he was a burglar. Does anybody want to read this? More to the point, who feels any better for doing so?
Negative rating: 9.5/10 - Positive rating: 0/10

6. Police in 'Racist gesture' Probe.

"Media give me racism. Me do racism.
Apparently, racism stopped existing in 1985, then returned a year ago; and has since been the only thing that happens in English sport at all. The irony is, the media have created a problem of racism in football, by constantly creating sensationalist headlines about it. So now, when a non-entity in the group makes a monkey gesture, it is front page news. Keep it going media, for you are actually making the issue or racism farcical; doing it more harm than good in the process.

Negative rating: 500/10 - Positive rating: 0/10

As you can see, a typical collection of doom-saying, fear-creating, miserable over manipulated stories, designed to keep us all hating one another. As usual, I wonder why I am foolish enough to even go on these dumb sites. And then, I see this...

7. Hedgehog trapped in crisp packet in Weston-super-Mare.

"I love me Real McCoys!"
A simple story, about an infant Hedgehog - christened Crispian, decided to venture into a packet of crisps for a snack, and got caught inside. It took six people three hours to free the little fella from the disused rail area; where him and the crisps resided. But it was a job well worth the time. While I could complain the writer failed to mention the flavour or brand  Crispy was caught in (My guess, Real McCoy salt and malt vinegar), the story was the most shared in this country today; in comparison to the rest, it is easy to understand why.
Negative rating: 0/10 - Positive rating: 500/10

If I am correct, and the beeb ran this story as a test - or maybe an elaborate in-joke, it worked. So to all other media outlets, do away with those shitty stories about murder, rape, crime, war, and death. And print nothing but Cats saved from trees, Dogs protecting loved ones, and articles which warm the heart, rather than crush it. You may be surprised how popular they will be. I would much rather see a cute Hedgehog than Jimmy Saville's dirty old face, any-day of the week...


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