Noble England; a Number One Tribute to Rik Mayall.

We Brits are a curious bunch. Each summer we roll a giant cheese down a hill and allow locals to chase it in order to win said cheese; no matter how many legs are broken in the process. Every winter we burn an effigy of a man who attempted to burn the world of all those politicians, even though we openly declare our hatred for the same bastards on a daily basis. And - most bizarre of all, year after year we decide against the public execution in Trafalgar Square of Noel Edmonds. Foreign cultures may wonder what we sink into our tea to make us so strange, but to us natives these eccentric quirks are a source of pride which render us unquestionably unique; no wonder the jealous French think we are such wankers.

We also have a wonderful tradition for celebrating the passing of our own and their wonderfully ridiculous ways, in wonderfully ridiculous ways. This week, following the tragic sudden death of British comedy legend Rik Mayall - at the premature age of 56, three fans have devised the balmy notion of a viral campaign designed to give Rik a truly well-deserved send-off; with a Number One hit in the UK music charts. For those who may be surprised, Bad News never reached these dizzying heights, and Living Doll is discounted on account of the involvement of Cliff Richard - at least to me it is, anyway.

In 2010 Rik – known for his diverse talents; some even recount seeing him breath fire whilst shitting grenades, recorded a song for the 2010 World Cup. “Noble England” sees the former Young One in fine form – portraying a mixture of pub landlord and Arthurian Knight; recanting modified Shakespeare in a rousing tone distinct to Rik and only Rik, in between a catchy chorus just begging to be launched on those unstable Brazilian terraces. Like a wily determined fish, the song slipped through the cultural net four years ago. However, much like chubby checker in the 80’s and hopefully one day the Krankies, this masterpiece has been rediscovered due to Rik - on Earth as in Heaven, invading the national airwaves with sheer awe – and now the aim is to leave him as the ginormous, unquestionable number one; as well as put X-Factor as well as everything else animal, vegetable or mineral back in its rightful place, as a mere peasant in comparison to THE Rik Mayall!

The majority of World Cup songs are – if completely honest, shit. Whether Gary Barlow bellowing on about supporting a country he doesn’t pay any taxes to, or a load of fat blokes in oversized England shirts mumbling nonsensical superlatives, none possess the same verve, passion, and vigour of Rik in his finest of fine form. Don’t believe me? Visit the YouTube link at the bottom of the page and see for yourself. While you are at it, visit the link to the campaign’s Facebook Page, like it, and buy the single too - by clicking the Amazon and iTunes links, also at the bottom. 

Rik Mayall the man was said to be thoughtful, kind-hearted, and dedicated to his family; which, gathering all accounts and interviews surrounding him, seems pretty much a fact. Rik Mayall’s collection of charismatic, ego-maniacal god-complex suffering fictional characters; with delusion of grandeur and belief they single handedly shaped modern civilisation, were rotten bastards who caused mayhem anywhere and everywhere they decided to rest their weary trousers. The former would see a number one as a brilliant tribute to a fine body of work over the course of a lifetime, the latter would see it as a mandatory right for simply being alive; commanding every last person to be forced to buy fifteen copies each - on punishment of death by aubergine, or a lifetime chained to a wooden chair and forced to watch endless repeats of Deal Or No Deal. Either way, at 0.69 pence a download, there is no better reason to buy a copy – and get Rik as World Cup Number one… 

Because if you don't, you are all going to hell... you bastards!

If you enjoyed this article, support my writing. CLICK HERE and Like my Official Fan Page. 


  1. Fantastic article my friend.

  2. Well said lee

  3. Brilliant. Word perfect.

  4. ALL HAIL THE MAYALL. From seeing him on Jackanory acting out Roald Dahls, Georges marvelous medicine, I was hooked. So sad and my heart goes out to his family and friends there will never be another rik.
    Lovely article too sure he would have liked it.