Pump Fiction.

I tend to reject conspiracy theories. To me they are the result of endless time in the mind, combined with pointless responsibility in the hand; there are no shape-shifting reptilians disguised as Freemasons - controlling the mass populous, Neil Armstrong never landed on the canvas of a secluded Hollywood studio, and Elvis Presley does not live on the moon - where he regularly plays Poker with Tupac Shakur and Bruce Lee. This being said, there are a few minor beliefs which carry weight - due to the facts lending themselves to contradiction; the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 9/11 attacks in New York City, and Frank Lampard’s disallowed goal against Germany, during the 2010 World Cup – though this is more a result of personal bitterness from buying a £35.00 shirt, worn by a collection of lauded underachievers. 

Five days ago, I was listening to the melodic tones of Magic FM in the car with my girlfriend, when a news report – full of the usual scaremongering favoured by media outlets, explained how the government were keeping the army on standby, in case proposed upcoming industrial action - planned by petrol tank delivery drivers, came to fruition. I initially laughed, and joked about a story from September 2000, when I missed a job interview at a Matalan store; the manager stuck in traffic, due to the masses purchasing petrol, in case of a planned strike which never happened – sound familiar? I proposed with booming confidence the reality of a blatant conspiracy to fuel finance - then, and now, as I explained the notion of fear being the greatest barometer to enforce any culture of consumerism – in this case, the words such as  ‘Army’, ‘Action’, and ‘Strike’ used as subtle replacements for ‘Extremely Serious Situation ‘. Think about it, when are the Army ever called upon as arbitrators of enforcement; beyond the serious business of averting a zombie apocalypse, or a royal visit? 

The government need a sharp burst of cash to aid the coffers within the deep pockets of their short arms. They know every vehicle driver nationwide is a slave to petrol, as much as they know how the media carry a weight of power so accepted as fact, that the printed word or story articulated by a dude in a suit, or voice of a school master, will be perceived as almost omnipotent gospel. So they scare society, society panic purchase petrol, then, a few days later; in this case, today – after the petrol has all but run out along British petrol stations from Southampton to Stockport, our leaders announce the proposed ‘strike’, has in fact, now been cancelled. Quite convenient timing really, especially consdiering once petrol is inside a car, it cannot be returned.

There are no qualms on my side that any government decides to conduct a sonnet such as this, in order to pulsate another dying beat of their economy’s heart. Politics operates on numerical statistics (ironic, when you consider this ethos created the mass abuse of the welfare system, and slow deconstruction of our National Health Service), and no ruling party wants to be the ones remembered for pissing all the money away. I am more surprised how such a large percentage of a seemingly logical, rational society, could fall a ploy so obviously constructed for financial gain? Seriously – did not a single pawn question the story as soon as the word Army was used? Or even consider why petrol tanker drivers have suddenly decided to strike – when there has been zero indication of any issue amongst their profession in many a year? 

Even then, surely knowing the recently announced annual budget proved the government’s vaults were almost empty, would raise a few bushy eyebrows? I guess in most cases, not so. The bizarre irony is that, even after the announcement of averted strike action, people are still heading out panic buying petrol. Those, on the other hand, who fully loaded their tanks only to realise they were duped, are reacting with anger; openly expressed behind a banner of the way Britain’s leaders have handled the situation, when in reality, it is because each and every last one of them knows they have been kippered - hook, line, and sinker. Of course, there are many who see this story for what it is, and I am grateful we will always be here to stop the building of draconian societal walls - but I sure as hell wish more of us existed upon this land.

So while I do believe in many lies being based on truth, and some truth constructed around lies - perhaps the key lies in knowing which is which; I could be way off, after all. I cannot say much more, as I am about to attempt a new conspiracy theory through the media; the suggestion that every Starbucks coffee contains traces of absinthe. Maybe if it works, I can write with a little more peace. Unless the masses begin panic buying frappuccinos; then I really am fucked...


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