I live inside of my own paradigm. Designed and constructed initially as a mode of protection, now an unintentional form of incarceration. Shit - this wasn't the plan I had in mind, in my mind - not at all. Where did everything change from bright sunshine and open doors, and turn into this constant feeling of a flat, disillusioned numbness? I can't remember a time in which I have felt so alone in this world - which is odd, considering I have experienced enough periods of feeling this way before.
I wander through life right now, but, something has slowed me down - made me almost stop, and ask myself why I continue on a path of trying to build a world which - on a long enough timeline, is only going to crumble through nature, and the ruthless ambition of every generation which comes after my own; trying to stamp their own mark on history. A stupid question, when I am fully aware - on a deeper level, that the journey of life in itself, is the answer, as to why we venture anywhere, to do anything, in any way.
It is an odd feeling - I don't even know if it can be considered a feeling; there are no emotions attached. I still maintain the necessary for biological and psychological survival inner and outer strengths, of my personal existence; I still train at the gym, eat healthy, edit my book, and socialize with an ease of calmness to make me appear fully engaged with humanity; especially with those I know and have built a solid base of comfort and rapport with, before this feeling took over. It's just - I don't know, it is like the blue cloud surrounding me, has seemingly turned a little too grey for my liking.
I grow tired of the human race; different faces, different styles of dress and outward perception. Yet the majority express the same old stories, which I have heard countless times, through countless ages; same point, different tone and words used to convict it. I am bored. Bored of convention, bored of a lack of expression, bored of the small paradigm inside my mind, and the incredibly unparallelled one I see before my eyes outside of it. I know this is merely my view, and in no way an absolute truth of living. But I feel so emasculated, jaded, and wondering why I should even bother anymore? I haven't felt this way in a long, long time; I guess depression never really leaves anyone, once it arrives.
I need to get my heart and soul back into the external world. I need to find that anger, passion, and drive inside my ego, that pushes my desire to be bigger, bolder, and feel better than anybody else, who undertakes the same tasks I do. I need to remember life is a magical gift of sorts, and how lucky I am to have been handed the opportunity to live it as I try to. But I can't, not right now.
Maybe this is enlightenment - but I don't think so. Possibly it is a phase of accepting harsh reality - which could be accurate. In the end, I think I know what it is, and, like anyone truly brave enough to remain devoted to the cause of artistic creation, at whatever cost. In a few weeks, the cost will finally make sense, as a hard rain's a gonna fall down upon me - which should clear the grey cloud, and leave a whole clarity of golden blue skies and warm sunshine. Or maybe this is me living more in a slightly ignorant and naive hope?
Either way, don't worry, I know myself better than anybody... I will be okay. And If you have any concern, then I accept checks, postage stamps, and Monopoly money orders.