I am closing my eyes at this moment - but only just for a moment. I am thinking back to the days of my life, which now feel like a million miles from the world I view before my very eyes at this point in time - once I reopen them.
I remember a feeling of solitary, or a form of disconnection. I was never unsocial in any genuine way, but I always felt alone. I never ignored the empathy of others, but was too busy trying to organize my own space in time. I know the path of intellect is one of often frustration and internal confliction - very few wish to think as deeply as I may do, which is cool. But for me, this is how I am, this is how I have always been. And I am not a fan of telling anyone to deny that which they truly feel they are on the inside. Besides all this, I embrace the hell out of the brain I have; I have only just begun using it to it's full potential, as I intend to.
I search my mind back to the days when I would go for long, long walks through the inspirational areas of green fields and nature, or even the dirty slums of harsh living, when I needed to think long and hard about problems which now feel so trivial, yet at the time mattered as much as the big deals of today, which themselves may not seem so great an issue a decade from now..
I remember the times where I would simply go somewhere public and study the human race in all it's quiet glory; it never really mattered where - stripped of all the bare bones of religion, power, colour, class and the like, all the desires, insecurities, and communication modes of humanity, are pretty much equal; I man in a suit needs love just as much as a man in a cardboard box.
There is great irony in the knowledge that most of the answers came when I simply stopped thinking... but this is almost a subconscious act of force driven by impulse, for to openly think about not thinking, means you are still thinking; much like how you cannot be truly free when reminding yourself that you are so.
I have come to the conclusion that in order to find yourself, you need to give a certain part of your true self up to the world - the world (people through nature, not nature through people) in turn defines, decides, scrutinizes and muses over this portion of you. And, when it hands yourself back, you have the power to fix that which you believe needs fixing, and discard everything else at your leisure. As long as the choices are undoubtedly your own, not born out of malice or spite, and structured somewhere in the pleasure of personal progression, it should be okay.
I guess much has changed, just as existence continues to progress and move forward. But this is life; to be the same person I was ten years ago, right now, would be the equivalent of wasting an entire decade of my life. But I hardly know anyone who is the same as they were - we are all changing. Sometimes we get lost, sometimes we forget why we are even trying anyway. Sometimes we change while we feel like we are not, only to realize we are always moving ahead, many years after. It isn't easy, there is no map, and the jigsaws we piece together will only ever truly be our own. Sure, we can help others with a piece or two of theirs - maybe even construct a frame for them, but it is their puzzle, they must decide.
This is all a portion of being human. Motion moves forward, it doesn't stagnate or look behind itself - it is always living in the now while knowing there lies a future ahead. The past retains a basic awareness, but only as a tool to remind ourselves of the errors and trials which made us better people.
And that is all life is... it is a journey, a train, a roller-coaster, a bus, maybe simply just a long long walk, or a very slow run - and this world is yours and only yours... but it is also mine. So treat it with respect. And even if you don't like to think, or use your legs so often, go outside and smell the incredible smell of Springtime - beside the scent of hair on the head of a new born baby, it may be the greatest gift our nose sense has ever been given to us.
My eyes are reopened now. But I never wrote this with my eyes closed.