Somebody has turned out the lights. I have been walking around with an ever growing black cloud lingering above my head, waiting to embark upon heavy rain and a huge thunderstorm. Scary to you as it may sound, it is even scarier to me to feel the fact, that a part of me kinda likes being this way. I am walking through the darkness. Light rain has just started.

Perhaps I need to reevaluate my own interpretations of the human race; I don't know. I have found myself in the last few hours of time seeing all the things that make people predictable, somewhat slimey, boring, and stupid. I have looked down at the world, as if I am growing sick and tired of the same old usual and dull communications and conversations of it all. It is like watching devils pretending to be angels as they remains as devils, while the real angels are treated like devils - walked over and trampled upon with heartless refrain. I continue to move. The rain has got a little heavier, I can hear thunder in the distance.

I look on and see idiots, I see clowns. I see the true meanings behind the actions of untold numbers of people as they move back and forth behind the world. I see the hidden sinister nature of a smile, the man who eyes linger upon an underage girl, while walking with his wife and little baby. I see wasted kids wasting their lives, desperate nerds and even more desperate housewives, watching each other and wondering how to enforce it all. I watch men sell their products as lifestyle advancements, old pensioners walking slowly and alone through shopping centers, while being rampantly ignored and treated as a hindrance by all those who pass. I see lies, deceit, deception, denial, destruction, depression, and delusion... I walk and walk, I am soaking wet, and now there is heavy rain. The thunderstorms are so loud I can barely hear myself think. I don't know if I even want to anymore.

Then, in the solitary beat of a dying heart, I stop. I stand still, in the pouring rain and the thunder. I am static. I don't care anymore. If the rain is going to beat me down, then let it beat me down. If lighting strikes me. Then let it strike me. I am sick of nature, but in no way scared of it. I ponder, everything is still, every feeling around me is silent, suddenly, as if I was in the eye of a hurricane... there is peace.

And then, I realize why.... I have always known why. Everything in this life we see as a reflection of others, is really a reflection of how we see ourselves. I cannot cry, because tears cannot say anything which I do not already know. It isn't the rest of the world which has let me down, and it never has been - it is me. I am the one who has let down both the external world, and myself. Men are not slimey or boring, women are not shallow and predictable. All these acts are not all callous or negative or insidious... I am just walking around with a cloud above my head. There is darkness, because darkness is exactly what I want to see. A part of me is ashamed, another part of me is numb. The rain is dying down a little, and the most immense thunder has past me now. I yearn for a cup of tea.... it is a product of my association.

In moment like this, I wish I had God in my life; but I don't. I wont lie to anyone and pretend I do. There is just me. Yes there is Marissa, and she is amazing. But she has her own life to live, just as we all do. I often wish I was nowhere near as intense and blunt as I can be, for she deserves better than this. She is a genuinely nice person, and those types are the rarest of the lot.

I sit down and I rest for a while, then close my eyes ever so slowly. Emotion has rendered me tired, edgy, and slightly erratic. I know when I awake the clouds will have vanished, and sunshine and brightness will have replaced all the drudgery of these feelings. But the darkness and the memories shall remain. I wont ignore them, I can't ignore them. I will be a prick again. I will have a bad day again. But perhaps next time I will remember... it really isn't their fault, it is always mine.


No comments:

Post a Comment