Maybe I'm Afraid.

My heart feels as if it is breaking. No, I am not literally at the point of losing the things I hold dear to me, thankfully these still remain as steadfast and strong as they ever did. I am simply coming closer and closer to the understanding that the world will one day take away from me - and everybody else, every single thought, feeling, desire, object, and aspect of this life we live and hold in such grand importance.
I know this may sound a little morbid, but I do not mean it in this way; I am merely trying to accept that man is not meant to live forever, and that in accepting our frailties in this notion, we can live and enjoy the life we have in such greater depths.
I don't have any commendable metaphors to use; perhaps if you imagine eating a never ending cake, contaning the most delicious ingredients of all time. Eventually, the cake will bore you. Even heaven would get boring after so long, I imagine. I feel as if I am saying that life is a cake but I am not. This has been one very emotional day in my life, and I am writing without even thinking or editing. This is pure as I can be right now... pure and full of errors. Errors I usually mask like a man who has made a successful life out of doing so.

There is a question I ask now and again, and I will ask it now... Imagine you awake in a white padded room, where there are no doors, no windows, and nothing else but you and you alone, and you are in there for an indefinite period of time. What would you do? And how would you feel? Pause for a moment... then read on.
Your answer is an actual account of how you feel about death... the answers are always real, as you are not consciously aware of its realities, therefore face no stringent social construct to adhere to.
I thought about the question myself, and, after much thought, decided I would probably still believe there was a way of escaping... and would never give up trying; even if it took an eternity to do so.

Nothing in this world holds any real fear to me anymore; men are predictable, women even more so. Power is seductive, but also hollow and empty. Commercialism a waste of my time, and being alone is something I never desire, yet would deal with should it ever come my way. I feel as if I fear nothing... except death. I am afraid of dying. It is like I am trying harder and harder each day to become a bigger, bolder and better man, in some kind of subconscious hope of achieving a form of divinity once time comes a knocking at my creaking, rusty door. I fight, I continue to put on a show with the mask I wear. I am aware that life works somewhat inside out and backwards, and that logic is as much use as it is total bullshit, but all the knowledge and smarts do not change the truth - that as smart as I am, I am simply no more than a mortal man... like everyone else on planet earth.

I guess this is it. and I am confident my mind can hold its own with absolutely anyone, and that the trials and tribulations can and will be handled in the fierce yet careful way I deal with the rolls of each dice. But death... you scare me. For I cannot control you, I cannot beat you, I cannot dominate, manipulate, contort and guilt trip you to submit to my desires born from insecurities... in simple terms, I cannot win.
So all I ask is that you leave me, the ones I love, and the frail human race alone for a very very long time. I have seen too much of you these past six months or so, and you are not receiving an invite to my parties anytime in the near future...

And life, love, and happiness, if you are reading this; I am more than satisfied that I have made good friends with all of you!


No comments:

Post a Comment