If Birds Were Human.



It is a strange notion of any developed society. For me to set foot upon a piece of land – which nobody but nature can lay claim of true ownership, I need a small micro-chipped booklet containing my photo and personal details, in order to do so. Even then, should I happen to have exited the womb upon an area declared dodgy by the onlookers from another zone, even my miserable mug shot doesn't qualify to grace certain portions of God’s greenest garden. According to the passport, our world is owned by human beings, even though human beings are mere guests on planet Earth…

In certain parts of these lands, and by certain types of people, I wouldn’t be allowed to criticise an invisible man in the sky, whose existence hasn't even been proved genuine; going on doctrines of two thousand year old books, carrying tales more ludicrous than an average episode of Dallas. They will fiercely proclaim to me how (insert atypical religious figure here), is the true God, and no living being is allowed to question his word; otherwise they will chop my legs off, or something similarly ludicrous. They will fail to mention the benefit to themselves these ideals conveniently provide, as well as the fact their worshipped leader just happens to come from the land they stop people from entering, without that small, micro-chipped booklet - and total capitulation of personal viewpoint. They have all the answers, even though nobody was asking them any questions...

If I drive around in an expensive car, and wear an even more expensive watch; the kind famous movie and sport stars have carefully shot photos of themselves taken with, other people will become convinced I am better than they are; as well as those whose cars and watches - while still perfectly functional, are not plastered on gigantic billboards much larger than I am. Even though - regardless of the watch we own and car we drive, we all sleep at night, dream of nonsense and look like shit in the morning, this is deemed of the utmost importance to civilisation. Attaining these items is considered a vital part of being a success; as if success is not spiritual enlightenment and emotion evolution, but owning a Ferrari, and living in a massive house. Money talks, and it never shuts up...

If birds were human beings, none of this would exist, much less matter. We would fly to a land of our choosing at will, vanish once the winter sets in, and never worry about borderline checks across the skies; we would all look the same anyway, so national security would be shot to hell. Buildings would be provided by nature, and none would remain out of bounds from the illusion of an invisible man in the sky declaring we can’t enter, without telling him he is absolutely right about everything. And finally, as bird don’t carry clothes or start bank accounts, money wouldn’t exist. Yes, we would miss out on all the inventions of man, but much like the internet to the majority of those living in the 20th century - you cannot miss what you never even knew was there.

Birds live the simple life. They fly, they eat, they love, they survive. They are wealthier because they have no desire for money, possess greater freedom without need for a passport, and are closer to God as they carry zero concept of religion. What we gain in the ability to walk and talk, we lose in our ability to just feel. Of course, on the flip-side, we would do a lot of accidental crapping on one another, so it wouldn't all be sunshine and roses....

An Open Letter to Superman...



Dear Superman…

I imagine you are very busy right now – saving the world from mega-lo-maniac mercenaries, re-tweeting Batman's silly Pug photos, and fending off all those secret homosexual Chinese whispers at the Daily Planet. But as there are only so many times you can banish Lex Luthor then pork Lois Lane - before it grows as stale as a party at the Thing's house, I was thinking you may be in need of some mental refreshment. Therefore I was hoping you could submit to a fan request, and find it in your heart to engage in a small collection of new activities; to keep you amused and me satisfied, and lift you up during your downtime...

1. Move the British Isles south 800 miles.
England, Scotland, Wales and both chunks of Ireland are loaded with weird and wonderful souls, and can lay claim to producing some of the finest critical and philosophical thinking in modern history. However, our weather is eternally shit, and instead of having to travel 3 hours on a plane to the Mediterranean - or 26 hours on a Megabus, how about you use those mighty Superarms to push our island downward; somewhere to the left of Portugal and Morocco. I know this may slowly destroy the timeless art born from frustrations of consistently inconsistent skies, but it would be worth this loss, in order to be able to sit in my garden at 2.00am in nothing but my underpants, while downing a San Miguel beer. On another note, moving Guernsey and other minor principalities are optional, while if at any time you feel the need to dump The Proclaimers and Jim Davidson in France, please do so.

2. Compete in at least one Summer Olympics.
Okay, I will have to accept should this happen, you will represent the USA - your adopted parents were American, after all. But how awesome would it be to see Superman single-handedly win over 100 gold medals in a host of far ranging fields. You could win the 100 meters in 0.01 seconds, clean and jerk Mars, and long-jump around the world thirty times before landing; though how this is measured, I have no idea. The games would be renamed the Superman Olympics, and eventually change the IOC laws on non-Earth born participants taking part; until a liberal rebel party claim discrimination against aliens an amoral form of universalism. The other downside is the public would hate you for ruining every future Oympic World Record chase - as the banner of WR: Superman, endlessly pops up. Still - for that solitary summer of Superman, it would be friggin awesome viewing!

3. Act in a professional porn shoot.
This could go either way, and may scar me for life, or provide some of the biggest laughs since discovering the genius of Ricky Gervais. But seeing Superman do the business with his super-penis and never-ending skill-set, is certainly an odd curiosity. My only worry is this movie - especially if directed by Ron Jeremy, proves so successful, other Superheroes such as The Thing, Incredible Hulk and Toxic Avenger decide to indulge in their own works of "art." On second thoughts you can skip this one, as it may provide Batman and Robin some refreshing ideas; while dressed in leather and surrounded by 'toys', alone in their secret cave nobody but them and a pensioner in a suit are allowed to visit.

4. Disable all technology for five days.
Okay, doing this would piss the world off royally - and confuse anyone under the age of twenty who believes Facebook was a creation of Jesus, but it would also take us back to an age before self-obsession reached scary new heights, and being alone never really meant being alone. You might have to remind us this is only temporary, otherwise within two days we will be feeding on one another, then psychologically breaking down at not having a social media to tell the world we just did. On the plus side, you could update your Twitter feed - the only one of Earth in use at the time - besides Batman and his silly Pugs, with a photo of Trollface below the words, "Just pwned the entire planet Earth, That'll show them for all those Chinese whispers, lolz!

5. Record a collaboration of  David Bowie's 'Heroes' with your superhero mates.
Imagine Live Aid's "Do They Know it's Christmas?", with Bono, Bob Geldof and company replaced by Batman, Iron Man, Spiderman, the Silver Surfer, and Storm - for reasons of racial and sexual equality, and singing this classic track arm-in-arm in a large harmonious choir. This song has Christmas number one written all over it, and could even lead to your own solo album of Sinatra covers "Superman: On The Rocks.", followed by a global stadium tour; supported by The Flash and his awesome rendition of 'Fastlove', and the Proclaimers - who became huge in France - for no apparent reason.

And there you go. If you could complete even one of these tasks, I would sleep a happy camper. You can say no, but lets face it, Superman - saving the world has to get boring eventually. And it's not like you have a wife or any children...