“Oi human, this new food you made for me is rubbish! I am so offended, I shall refuse to even acknowledge it, until my regular noms return to my royal bowl.” While dogs are honest in an unconditional manner, cats are extremely fussy in their likes and needs. Should you mow their favourite lawn too short, or move their cardboard box two inches too far from the wall – they will let you know; with hard staring and starving you of attentions, until they have made their point. In the world of moggies there is no pretence or bullshit; they have an opinion, you will know about it.
No other animal uses human endeavour to suit their own needs. Whether sitting on top of the bonnet of a freshly driven car; on a cold winters day. Or sitting under it to avoid heavy rain, cats allow the human race to do all the work, and then reap the rewards from it; from the comfort of their own backsides and window-ledges. If true the strong manipulate the weak, and the smart manipulate the strong, then cats are the true kingpins of silent control.
Whenever we feel down; and life finds a way of raining upon our internal sunshine, you can guarantee the cat of your life will pick you up; with their wonderfully odd daily antics. Chasing a light on a wall, spending an hour studying a fly they are never likely to catch, or just rolling around on the floor and lying in funky positions (pictured, top right), cats are natural born entertainers of the unintentional court jester variety. We think it is out of stupidity, but secretly they do this to lift our spirits; as a thank you for all the noms, toys, and attentions.
Dogs are awesome, but they also enjoy rolling around in mud and eating anything they can chew on. Cats on the other hand, are prima-donnas of self-pampering, and carry a level of vanity which would make a Kardashian blush. Lazing on the sofa with a dog is comforting, but, especially with a Bulldog and the larger variety of canine breed, is akin to being squashed beside a morbidly obese man on the tube. With a cat however, they are always clean, fresh and smell good too.
Most people see a cardboard box as a boring, bland item used to contain objects. Cats on the other hand, see them as an ivory fortress. Not only this, but they like to pretend hoovers are Godzilla, washing machines are aliens, and dustbin-men belong to a secret force, trying to expose cats as masters of the universe.
If I decided to sit on your laptop or Smartphone; while you enjoyed some relaxing entertainment time, or kept tugging your leg as you read an engrossing book, you may end up punching me in the particulars; and with just cause. If a moggy does it; it's okay. Cats have a unique power in being ridiculously annoying, yet so damn cute at the same time; and you cannot help but grow closer to them for this. It is not even their size; as loveable as Pugs are, they simply cannot get away with it. A rare gift.
Cats are silent assassins. While we believe they sleep for sixteen hours of an average day out of laziness, half of these are actually spent meditating; in order to reach a deeper awareness of the world around them, and decide how to catch any local invader Pigeons invading their territory. Either way, sitting in a silent room with a sleeping cat, creates a very Zen feeling.
The Ancient Egyptians built the fundamentals for what was to become the basis of modern civilization. They also worshipped cats. Coincidence? I think not.
In the end, cats allow us to believe we created Earth and its wonders. They allow us to think that they are nothing more than silly, self-absorbed lazy buggers, so that we leave them be in their true reality; that they rule everything on the planet. Cats have a secret covert wireless network, where each one can communicate to each other, at any place in the world; invented way before the Internet, They use it to organize all the world human leaders, and make decisions for them; explaining why the price of cat food remains inexpensive, and the lucky cat ethos of the Chinese. Be warned however, only cat lovers are allowed to have this knowledge, and must take an oath to keep it silent; or face their global wrath of intense stares, and lack of attentions.
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