The Conspiracy Collectors.


Somewhere on Earth; most likely in the heartland of America’s deep-south, a bored redneck believes a 78-year-old Elvis Presley is still alive; spending his days as a retired FBI agent after faking his death, in order to switch from the position of global superstar singer, to covert government enforcer. This same guy will also tell you John Lennon still lives as a 63-year-old monk, George Bush junior is a shape-shifting alien, and Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls run TuSmalls; a hamburger joint deep in the heart of the Canadian mountains. The beauty of his bizarre warblings, no matter how much evidence you present on the contrary to destroy his theories; his mind shall never change. 

Conspiracy theorists are separated into two types. Type one, is the highly-intelligent being; aware that governments bullshit, money dominates human nature, and the world of celebrity is essentially a carefully crafted work of selling people as products; for all their success, One Direction are little more than a Simon Cowell created boy brand. This is not a criticism of Harry, Jack, Bob and the boys – or whatever their names are; they are living the dream and seem like nice fellas; but really they could be anyone – such is the power of the machine of promotion. Type one has a cynical nature, but is harmless and grounded; rarely reaching beyond theories of faked moon-landings, internal 9/11 set-ups, and the assassination of Marilyn Monroe; which all carry their own weight.

Type two is the real loser. These dudes convince themselves they know a secret so unique, exclusive and surprising, the membership number is countable on one hand; those who know the REAL truth about life. They talk about historical events all being acts of distorted aliens; and not stupid humans, read every work of New World Order and Illuminati nonsense they can lay their burger sauce covered fingers on, and will tell anyone dumb enough to listen, that these controllers of the world are out to kill them; because they know the REAL truth, you see.

The trouble is, there are two obvious arguments to suggest these guys are nothing more than attention seeking whack-jobs. The first is that a true conspiracy only works when every last person involved keeps quiet. That is every last person who is aware of the hidden-reality; friends, family, random ears, neighbours, pets, the neighbour's pets, you name it. Human beings are an ego driven animal, and in an age where anyone can say anything online; and usually do, surely at least one detractor somewhere would come out of their lizard shells, and speak these ills we know little of. They never do. I am sure our conspiracy redneck friends would remind you these Benedict Arnolds are either paid to keep quiet or killed, but what about the window between their frustration and the solution? Nothing – not a German sausage. I am sure even shape-shifting aliens have emotionally driven, knee-jerk off days; especially dangerous when jabbering on Twitter.

"The Queen is an alien.... buy my book!"
The second point is stronger. Conspiracy theorists always carry a collection of similarities; poor with bad jobs – or no job, bad health, ugly, socially backward, no friends, bad-teeth, worse breath, and a million miles from female company – ever notice there are zero female conspiracy theorists? Probably because it is easier for them to find sex. These loser males have too much time and too little purpose; creating all manner of silly shit, to draw attention to their lack of it. 

Why do wealthy businessmen, actors, doctors, or even the billions of normal people living normal lives, never suddenly decide that Jimi Hendrix sold his soul to Robert Johnson’s devil, in order to play like a demon? Or tomatoes are placed in burgers – and most foods, to control our minds? The only exception to this rule is former Snooker commentator David Icke. This is the same David Icke who has made millions of pounds writing books explaining how we are all being lied to; much more economically viable than discussing Willie Thorne’s cue action with Ray Reardon, in a hush voice.

While I believe there are many facets of life, we as a collective species have very little knowledge of. Those who actually know this information are unlikely to be free-talking, redneck, keyboard jockeys, with a crappy job or no job, and woman-free for decades - or entire lifetimes, in some cases. There is no secret society, there are just billions of humans running around pretending to know the answers; while not really even knowing the questions. Who knows, maybe those rednecks secretly control the world and are working us all, by pretending to be incredibly stupid. That would make more sense, than most of the shit they come up with...


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