Ten Uses For a Human Skull.

Altogether now... "I'm a skull man."
I am ordering a human skull over the internet. Yes, you read correct. It is for my girlfriend, and more to the point - her artwork. Unfortunately, full sized replica skulls appear pretty expensive. Naturally, this produced the idea there are plenty of free ones available at the local cemetery. Now I am no Ed Gein, and on tongue-in-cheek suggestion of grabbing a couple of shovels, torch-lights, and some extra strength gas masks, It made me consider ten possible uses for a human skull; beside aiding drawings of an artist.

*Note: along with hating the Beatles and liking Jimmy Savile, digging up graves is morally corrupt, and shouldn't be considered under any circumstances - unless they buried themselves with gold teeth, in which case it is perfectly acceptable.

1. Replacement Football:
What better way to enjoy a cynical and usually dull as a day in Dundee World Cup Final, than replacing the ball with a skeleton head. Imagine the commentary; "Ronney has headed the head into the back of the net. Oh he felt that one!" Of course, penalties would be shit, and they could no longer bounce, but an overhead volley would be a sight to behold.

2. Over-elaborate Necklace:
Kids are stupid. Kids are meant to be stupid. All we need is Dr Dre (Who is as much an official Doctor as Professor Green is a Professor), or Lady Gaga to sport a full-sized skull necklace, and the kids would lap it up; copying the symbols of worship, like flies to a Monkey turd. 

3. Weapon Of War:
What better way to shit up the opposition, then launching hoards of flying human skulls from a catapult at them from the distance. An act like that screams psychotic, and having psychotic enemies is never a good position to be stuck in. Saddam should have thought about this one, considering the amount of innocent heads he probably had lying around.

4. Comedy Sidekick:
"I want to go to the disco, but have nobody to go with!" The perfect foil for the fledgling comedian. Perfect for every moment of awkward stage silences. Give him a silly accent, and success is a shoe-in.

5. Shakespeare Prop:
I wear a skull necklace, in tribute to the bard. Old William loved the skull as a stage piece, and who are we to argue with a man who both wrote some of the greatest works of literature in history, and died on his birthday.

6. Granny Scaring Tool:
What better way to frighten the shit out of old dears across the nation, then to prop the skull at the base of her outside window. Add a few Christmas lights inside the eyes, and record a short series of mp3s to say "Whoooo Granny, I am chilly and boney!", and you are guaranteed laughs galore; though she may die of a heart attack from the sheer shock - ironic, considering the nature of the scaring equipment.

7. Candle/Remote Control Holder:
Dig yourself up a skull, plonk it beside the television, then stick the sky and DVD remote inside the eyeball sockets. Conversely, do a Pol Pot, and use it to light up the room, once your electricity decides to short circuit. Mega-lo-maniacs swear by it.

8. Situation Killer.
Ever been on a crappy date? Or lost in conversation with a complete tool who doesn't get the message to bugger off? Or how about when you just don't want to work any more, and claim disability benefits? Just tell the person you no longer desire to be around you are about to ask the opinion of to your best friend, then whip out your human skull replica, and talk away. Job done. 

9. Story Arc.
The beauty of a human skull, is they all look exactly the same. Invite all your buddies to a dinner party, leave skull man sitting on the shelf, then - in cleverly bringing it to the conversation, tell your friends he is the actual head of Albert Einstein. Elvis Presley, Guy Fawkes.... take your pick. Remember, how are they to prove otherwise?

10. Christmas Present.
"Get me something this year, I would NEVER expect", she says. Job. Done! Just be prepared to munch on your Turkey and stuffing alone - unless you are Ed Gein; which nobody wants to be anyway.

So there you have it, ten functional uses for an item which doesn't have any use, once we reach our mortal coil. Just one point, some ancient tribes and civilisations believed the skull to be a mystic, superstitious part of man. So scare those grannies with caution...

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