The Olympic Files: Day Six.

Pie Throwing; The marquee event.
There is a fear. It is a fear created in worry that one day the Olympics shall become so corporate, the event shall no longer be recognisable as we know it now. Each medal engraved in the dirty fingers of official sponsors; MacDonalds Gold, Burger King Silver, and Starburger Bronze. Championship anthems cut half way through to a tannoy announcement of “This national anthem, is sponsored by Duracell.” As the medallists stand upon a podium coloured to resemble Skittles. Singular events renamed the Mars Bar 100 meters, the Kendo Decaff Decathlon, and the Snickers Marathon. And stadiums called the Vladimir Putin Velodrome, and the Davidcopperfield Box. Should this ever happen, the Olympics, no longer can be considered, the Olympics.

So what happens then? The likelihood is, a dissatisfied splinter group create their own summer sports bonanza… the Nolympic Games – a week long celebration of a whole host of new creations for the human race to improve upon. So for those who eventually design its template, here a few ideas to muse upon; you do not need to build a statute of me.

Freestyle Pie Throwing: Each athlete is allowed ten pies, with the aim of firing them at varying faces of men in stocks – wearing masks of infamous historical figures of fear; such as Hitler, Pol Pot, and Cliff Richard. Throws will be judged on accuracy, style, and the taste of the food. In an added bonus, the spare pies will be given to the homeless to avoid wastage. if there are no homeless around, they shall be thrown at windows of political figures. 

Washing Machine Racing: Hooked on to cranes, then placed in wheelbarrows, the one hundred meter race determines the strength and balance skills of each nation. There will also be a 4 x 100 meter relay of the event; dropping the barrow on its side, is an instant disqualification. Over time, distance races involving Microwaves, Kettles, and Stretch Armstrongs will also be added, to the roster of events.

Cluedo: As there is no place for Judo, instead there will be single one on one completion of the board game, Cluedo. The thought of 20,000 people, all watching with anticipation in the ExCel arena – wondering if the German world champion will figure out what Mister Mustard did in the kitchen with the candlestick, is highly appealing. Other board games such as Guess Who, Ghost Castle, and Uno, will be considered by an independent panel – made up entirely of children under the age of twelve.

Darts: Sorry Phil Taylor and Jockey Wilson, but they are never accepting your fat arses at the Olympics. We will happily have you, however - and will provide booze and cigarettes as you throw; just like in the 1970's. You can even wear those ugly shirts if you like. Chas and Dave music will be provided in-between sets too.

Midget Weightlifting: The clean and jerk events. Where a long list of dwarfs of varying weights and sizes, are lifted on their sides, then raised above an athletes head. The midgets are allowed to shout one word of encouragement per lift - even if it is a swear. Should a competitor be able to lift the heaviest midget, then said dwarf will clasp car batteries to his chest before each lift, in order to add extra weight.  

The Nolympics event would be sponsorship free, deny all political agendas or societal statements, and definitely no bloody ‘accreditation’ seats will be provided for rich bastards who don’t even turn up; robbing a poor yet genuine family of a once in a lifetime Olympic experience. See you all at the Chuckle Brothers Stadium. Until the next time…


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