I guess I have quite a lot of darkness inside of me. Not in a bad way, as such. I mean I don't desire to directly harm, destroy or corrupt anyone elses life, as a shittier place to live, it's just - I don't know, I just don't see as much clarity as I probably need, to shine into my tired eyes.
It saddens me a little, life. I mean, we can't win, in the end. We don't lose either, but there is nothing we take with us into the afterlife, beside the soul we possess. Even then, there are times when I wonder if we even have one of these at all - though thinking it exists, in some ways, makes it so. I see human potential, ideal, innocence, and even desire, crushed by a pretty ridiculous world our species have created for ourselves.
I am just as guilty, however, my potential is wasted internally, as opposed to anything obvious. I allow anger, rationality, emotion, sometimes pride, and even plain old psychological gratification to get the better of me - not that there is really any other form of gratification. But it's hard, life is fucking difficult beyond words, for pretty much anyone and everyone.
But I can handle it, I am pretty resolute, and somewhat jaded enough to lack a need for considerate arbitration of reconstruction - I just fight life every day, square in the eyes. It is always going to win the war, but if I ever find a way to smile every moment - regardless of the events surrounding me, then my own success is assured.
I have seen people die young, on the outside and inside, and it hurts. It hurts to see others lose themselves in the confusion and hardships of it all - it is human to fail, to struggle, to worry, to give in, to try again. It is also human to dislike ourselves sometimes for feeling as if we are alone; while we see everyone else putting up masks of ability - just as we do, because biology deems we have no choice.
It is late, I am tired. I write, maybe because this is the only way I can express these ideas. Maybe because I need a validation fulfilled in a form of understated understanding. And maybe in others understanding this is all part of life, I will find a little light. Maybe, we all have darkness - and I just allow myself to throw it on the table, and bring it out into the open; I just don't know...