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Clarity Begins At Home.

'Written, unedited, sitting on the grass in Hyde Park... sometime early this evening'

I need to go home. I don't know how I am supposed to do this exactly, but somehow I must begin a path that may be the only true road which will set me free. I am a sinner of sorts, I guess. I am not ashamed of these sins, for at the time I fully believed they served a genuine purpose of a greater good. But, in the long run, and through these acts of immaturity - nobody benefited form them; especially myself. These errors of judgement now seem so trivial now, but they are not - for a sin is only as powerful as the effect it has as the particular time of life in which it takes place; time may heal all wounds, but we still carry the scars as reminders to try and do better next time around.
                                       
I have been contemplating the idea that everyone in my life I have ever found an emotional connection with, has God, or a form of God in their lives. I have always had God in my life, but more as an enemy to fight against, then a friend to help guide me along my own crooked highway of what lies ahead. I fought because I believed I deserved more in this life; but as I sit here I know - not think, but know... why should I deserve more? What makes me so special? God, or whatever God is, has given me so much more than anyone could possibly ask for;
They have given me fantastic health and genetics, an incredibly strong and resolute mind of capabilities very few are lucky enough to attain, a good adaptability structure and openness to any form of ideal in culture, class, colour, creed or belief system, and a rich and genuinely loving, soulful heart... I embrace all but the latter, and the only way I believe I can unlock that key to this, is by finally finding my way back - to finally go home.

You see, the guard was designed as a mode of protection at a time in which it was a necessity to defend myself, as I was very young, very irresponsible, and ultimately, very scared. But I am long into being a man now, and I don't need to wear the veil any longer. I am still living in my association of yesterday... which means I was lying to myself; covering the truth of my lies in the security of delusion. Should I continue to do this, I remain a child of sorts, and will continue to burn bridges I initially build so well as a psychological architect. Eventually, it may probably leave me very wealthy, yet extremely lonely - and I will take true love over hard cash any day of the week... even if this does sound a little dodgy and easily misunderstood, in the style it is written.

A portion of me is still afraid my true self will be exploited, ridiculed, and rejected. And it will, to a point, as is true for anyone... this is a part of life's abject nature. But it will also be admired, inspected, and accepted. Even if the bad stuff does happen, I am a man... I can deal with it, and in the mean time, try to help those who need it. I am now remembering primary school hymns, sleeping in the Church the night before the shoot of The First Chord, those who gave me words, literature, time, empathy, and more than anything else, a complete lack of judgement towards the life I lived. I know I am intelligent, but sometimes, being intelligent means knowing when you are an idiot, or at least, knowing you are too blinded by the frustrations of unmerited desire, to see the clarity of those who cared for my well-being. I need to listen to this more, I need to hold on to these words, while letting go of these chains.

This is hard for me to write, but I want to be as honest about myself as I can, in case my wall finds a way of rebuilding itself. Going home may take a long long time... it may happen tomorrow, I just do not know. But it is a road I am prepared to travel, and man enough to face. In many many years from now, and hoping nature is kind on me, and I finally reach the end, I will thank everyone who guided me and helped my path, as I walked along the open road of the life I never truly figured out like I thought I would - and hope that in someway, I helped them along in theirs too. I feel a desire to give back, and it feels as if it from a source of my soul. I like this feeling, it feels like it should be.

Until then, and yet again, I find myself a little closer to God, but it is a warm glow, and I really need it in my life right now. I can either get bitter, or get better... and usually, even though these messages of life take a long time to get through to the inbox of my brain, once they do, I am usually wise enough to do what needs to be done. 

To be continued.... whenever... 

Lee.

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