Match of the Day; 2024.

"better hit the banks, because he's in the red!"
Maybe I am alone in this - or just too used to the childhood comfort of simplicity to desire more. But when it comes to the BBC’s flagship Premier League highlights show - Match of the Day, I see little need or reason for interactive Twitter polls, pointless pieces of information popping up during the highlights, and Robbie Savage. 

For me, footage of the day’s top-level matches with adequate commentary, orchestrated in-between by a wizened host of dignity, and discussed by three ex-professionals; offering genuine, thoughtful viewpoints, is all I need to be happy as Sepp Blatter sleeping on a pile of dodgy dinars. Of course, with technology being the force that it is, and the beeb looking to ‘get down with the kids’ - more likely to believe Alan Hansen doesn't still bear a grudge against Arsenal, it got me wondering how the show will appear a decade from now. Returning from my time-machine jaunt to the future, I present to you, my report on Match of the Day; 2024

The glossy introduction begins with a series of millisecond shots; showing red cards, avoided handshakes, dirty tackles, greasy-palmed Arab billionaires, the 50-year-old Manchester United captain Ryan Giggs, and the odd goal. Like watching MTV on acid, it is designed to appeal to a young generation, who - due to the Internet, and the long-winded, overbearing analysis of Garth Crooks, now carry an almost non-existent attention span. The footage is played over a ramped up rap of the shows classic theme-tune, written and sung by Rio and Anton Ferdinand; including the line 'it's match of the day, you can watch it if you're gay'. Ivor Novello would have been proud.

Since Gary Lineker’s promotion to Vice-President of FIFA, his presenting hot-seat has been sought by all and sundry in the football world. John Hartson was found too large to fit in the chair, Gus Poyet needed an English interpreter - even though he was speaking English, and the robot Alan Shearer - who replaced his real life namesake after he replaced Robson in Robson and Jerome, was sacked after one show for wearing a Hitler style toupee, deemed racist. Eventually, the role was given to a broom in the BBC storage cupboard - hardly anyone noticed the change.

On the opposite side of the coin - and due to the influx of celebrity seeking ex-professionals desperate to remain relevant, the level of pundits has grown so large, they now have to present the show inside a small cinema in Letchworth, North Hertfordshire. A few of these two hundred weekly 'experts'; include Ray Parlour, David James, Carlton Palmer, and Steve Claridge – who every week needs reminding that the Championship no longer exists; as all clubs merged, due to a mass financial exodus in 2018 - forming Scotland 2.0.They still have not qualified for a major tournament.

"My opinion? He's shit!"
As always, the matches are shown by order of BBC favouritism, and are as usual, 10% action, 90% pointless negative moments which only equate to 2% of the actual match. Added features include the interspersing of Twitter polls; asking questions such as "Are there too many crackers in football?", and "Does robot Alan Shearer's wig deserve a second chance?" Due to equality issues, commentators are a mixture of social diversity; Claire Balding, Warwick Davis, Tom Daley, and Stephen Hawkins - who is known for his majestic rendetion of the classic Brazillian "Goooallllllll" to name a few. An embittered Jonathan Pearce - the last recognizable member of the current team, was fired two years ago, for suggesting that not being able to use his legs, does not disqualify Steven Hawkins from being a wanker. John Motson still commentates on F.A Cup guest spots, from his Surrey retirement home.

During footage of the day's crop of matches, an Asian male stands in the bottom right corner, offering commentators sign-language to the deaf; though even this is still unbearable, in some instances. On top of this, after
every controversial decision, the now retired Howard Webb pops up in the bottom left corner; explaining what ‘really’ should have happened, then in most cases, pulls out a card and shouts his now infamous catchphrase "better hit the banks, because he's in the red!" It was originally Sol Campbell who popped up to offer analysis – but was dropped after he kept stumbling over his lines, and asking if anyone had a spare joint.

Joey and Roysie:
After all the highlights and knee-jerk reaction at the end of each show, Joey Barton and Roy Keane; who formed a brutally honest yet thoroughly entertaining version of a 21st century Saint and Greavsie - during a random pairing on the Graham Norton show, are asked to chew on the weeks most popular question; voted by a usually fixed Facebook poll. While highly controversial, the skit has proved wildly popular with fans young and old, and has also won plaudits for causing the resignation of Michael Owen, resurgence of Ron Atkinson,
and explosion of robot Alan Shearer. ITV created their own rip-off version - Van-Persie and Rooney, but failed very quickly; as neither wanted to back up the other.

And that is Match of the Day, 2024. It could be better, it could be worse. Ultimately, at least the football - as it always is in England, is awesome. Visit my Facebook page, and let me know what would you like to see on the show, a decade from now...

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