How To Become A Professional Rapper.

Rap music. Thirty years of rhythmic talking, still stuck in the same starting blocks from where it once begun. Derivative, one-dimensional, and riddled in laughable clichés of aggression - it is commonly spoken with a silent C. Yet In 2012, it stands as the only genuine working class escape beside Football. So in respect of the 21st century's copy-and-paste generation; lost in a technology which now processes and stores their information for them - we used to use our brain, kids. I present my first "how to become" guide of many; in this case, how to become… a Professional Rap Artist.

The first step is an absolute must; buy an army of CD’s. Scrap that. Download a collection of albums from thepiratebay. Scan thoroughly and select a former hit single still lingering deep in the human subconscious, this will be the hardest part of the task - finding the right song to pretend is your own. This "sample" is the portion of your hit everyone remembers, and is best sung by an attractive woman  – image is everything in rap music. Then, visit the library of Commodore 64 and NES games, and find a short, repetitive beat. Record said beat on a loop, and repeat over and over – this is your verse. Now the sounds are complete, all you need are words – AKA lyrics. 

Rappers love anger, and venting through their gold teeth the agonies of surviving, striving, and finally thriving from social poverty. This comes in the form of exposing their mansions, expensive jewellery, and the hoards of beautiful women who jiggle their naked rear-ends around them (Rappers are generally arse-men - for some obscure reason). The notion of being from the streets was once a genuine truth of rappers, but has morphed into a selling point used by middle-class kids, in order to have them appear ‘rough’; providing a phoney background beyond private school, and annual holidays to the Costa Del Sol. If a bona-fide street dweller, keep going. If not, just let a record producer make it up; N-dubz, Lil Wayne, and The Game, are successful examples of this. Keeping the lyrics high in redundancy and loaded with promotion of primal pleasures, should carry you forward. The chorus does all the work - so you could just shout "washing me boring trousers" over and over the verse, and no one would remember anyway.

If you wish to be brave, an idea would be to ply your trade as a rapper who is no longer angry, and wanting to fight everyone all the time. Instead you have matured emotionally with thought and experience, to realize how your associates are hollow, rage is regressive, and shooting people is not the only solution to solving an argument. Rapping about personal growth and evolution, could make things better; but there is a risk the kids need a good year or so of reconditioning to accept it, so is give or take. You can be homosexual if you like, but it is best to hide it; rappers are very insecure about their sexual orientation – hence the aggressive bravado and constant desecration of the female gender. 

Skin colour is irrelevant. However, the word ni***r should never be used, unless you are of dark skin; in which case, feel free to use it as often as you wish - reminding everyone of a time in history nobody is proud of, as opposed to rising above it. Bitches, fuckers, cunts, abortion, serial killing, pussy, clitoris, murder, rape, and child abuse can be said by anyone, at any-time. Talent is optional. Singing lessons unnecessary. Don't worry about creating works of longevity, loaded with wit and wisdom to last generations. This has already been achieved by rappers such as Tupac Shakur and Immortal Technique, and cannot be improved upon - unless you take the dodgy emotional maturity route. For every one of these, there are about 50,000 Tiny Tempahs - stick to this path; it is safer, and a lot less work mentally.

By now you should be ready to partake in a career in rap. All you need to do is follow these steps to a tee, hope a music producer discovers you, then sit back as the dollar shaped kudos roll right in. So if you fancy as a career as a carbon copy of someone else's attempt at a carbon copy… follow these rules. If you want to break every barrier and carve your own reality in this industry… ignore everything I just said, buy a guitar or a set of decks, learn to make them sing like a humming bird, and the rest is eventually, revisionist history...

Rap music never began with a silent C - the music industry just put it there for them.


  1. Replies
    1. This is called tongue in cheek humour... I am sure in reality, the successful rappers are very hard working and smart people - they have to be.