One Giant Leap.

"Walking on the moon... I hope my legs don't break!"
On July 21st, 1969, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins; in the confines of a small, lunar vessel, landed safely on the surface of the Moon. After a five hour sleep and some engineering work the doors were finally opened. Neil placed his feet upon the surface, gave a memorable speech, then stuck a pole containing the stars and stripes on the planet (why has there never been a world flag, I wonder?) A few moments later, Buzz hopped out the craft, embarked on some scientific business, jumped up and down, then headed back in the vessel, slept a bit, and the three went back home. Poor old Michael Collins - who had travelled all the way, didn't even get to feel Moon on his feet; much like seeing Paris and not the Eiffel Tower, or visiting Amsterdam, without getting stoned. 

By all accounts, it was a pivotal historical moment, and possibly one of the top five moments of the 20th century; along with the Blitz of WWII, John Lennon's death, and the recording of Wired For Sound, by Cliff Richard - okay, maybe not the last one. But even though it happened, I always Imagine a far funnier scenario which could have taken place; as egos, irresponsibility, and a long, arduous journey through the solar system, turned them all temporarily mental. Here is my alternate version, or the Apollo 11 Moon landings...

As expected, the three land on the moon. As captain, Neil decides they all need rest, and sets his alarm for five hours time. As they all slide into bed, Buzz keeps one sly-eye slightly open - and waits. Half-hour later, Neil and Michael are fast asleep, as they lay peacefully in their snooze; Neil, dreaming of creating history as the first man to walk on the Moon, Buzz - still in full required spacesuit and helmet, as they all are, quietly creeps out of bed and walks to the door hatch. In minimal, silent steps, he twists the handle ever so slowly. On the final turn, the door whips open - awaking Neil in a flash. A shocked Neil glances at the door and shouts "What the fuck are you doing, Buzz?", who turns back, "No one gives a shit about number two; I'm going first - and there aint a damn thing you can do about it!". As he moves his feet to become the first man on the Moon, Neil screams "That's my thunder you're stealing, baby!" leaps out of bed, and grabs Buzz, just in time to stop him. 

As they fight and rumble between the arches of the open door, Michael awakes; "what's going on?" he asks. Buzz responds, "Fuck off Collins, no one cares what you think, most people are going to associate you with an Irish revolutionary anyway". Michael leaps out of bed and tells them to stop, as they do, a communicator from Earth reminds Neil the TV station are on, and the world awaits his feet - however, all the cameras can see are two men scrapping between an open door. Michael decides to run to them, and pull the men apart. As he does, he trips over himself, smashes into the men, and all three land on the Moon - albeit sideways, at the very same time.

As the three slowly make themselves vertical once again, silent gazes are thrown at each other. Only eyes speak for a good two minutes, until Buzz says what they all thinking; "It was me!". "No it fucking wasn't!" Neil replies. "I'm just happy to set foot on here" Michael quips. The communicator shouts to Neil's microphone; "the whole planet just saw that, you stupid cocksuckers. We spent all that time wanting to land on the Moon, then three of you do it at once!" The three lowers their heads - they are heroes and villains at once, and have created an endless mind-boggler.

For many years since, the historic event was overshadowed by the eternal question; who was the first man to land on the Moon? All three men swear they were that being, and the debate has never been resolved. Photo evidence, sound recordings, lie detectors - all rendered inconsequential. Eventually, the argument was settled, when it was declared they shall all be known as 'The first men on the moon.'" One small step for three men, one massive fucking headache for mankind." Everyone felt sorry for Neil, everyone despised Buzz, and everyone else, thought Michael Collins was an Irish revolutionary.

Of course, thankfully, none of this is true, and I write this article as a slightly absurd, yet loving tribute, to the passing of Mister Neil Armstrong; the very first man of only twelve, who have ever walked on the Moon. Rest In Peace you inspirational beacon of human ingenuity... your light shall never fade. Still feel sorry for Michael Collins though.

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