I am not free, not yet anyway. Freedom will arrive when I can happily and loudly sing and dance to music I like in public places, in my appalling rhythmic style. When I can create conversations with anyone and everyone, about anything and everything - though I am getting closer with this. Or when I can say what I truly feel, at any given moment. In short, when I can approach each and every day, with the knowledge that I simply do not care if society accepts me or not.
There is an irony to this, as I have learned from personal experience you find acceptance in yourself - both internally and externally, when you just let go, and stop trying to find it through other people. The reasoning I assume being that other people gravitate towards those who they perceive to attain attributes they feel they do not have in themselves; confidence, charisma, courage, dedication, determination, a few examples of this.
I grow closer, but still it is not enough. Not entirely through design, but more in reaching points where I really cannot be bothered to play the game anymore; I always play this external life as a shadow of everybody else, but the intricate and subtle rules are drawn up by my own desires - I only adapt to social conventions as a retainer of acceptance within its constructs. In truth, if I knew it wouldn't dissipate my survival and replication value, I would walk around in a moo moo, belch very loudly when I needed to, and tell most people I meet that I really couldn't give a shit whether the weather is overcast or not.
I break social taboo on a regular basis; working on subconscious reaction, as opposed to any adaptations of awareness; I am hardly ever rejected, and most of the time, people like me more for doing so.
I feel as if I have spent my entire life stripping myself of all the backward logic society has attempted to force me to adhere to - I can pinpoint over my entire adult life, each and every period in which I have worked against a form of societal conditioning, which was created by humanity to serve no other purpose, than to aid the wider world. It has never been easy; most times it has taken initial periods of tremendous courage and faith, but I have always succeeded, and, even though each time, a portion of me feels just a little less understood and a little more isolated for doing so, it feels right - therefore, why stop?
I can never truly be free; the truly free retain zero conscious awareness that they are, and I will always remain somewhat trapped by a mind which never stops thinking - this and the knowledge that freedom in a system such as the one we experience in life, is really a construct within a square box where we learn to manipulate and distort the frame, to create an illusion of personal control. Perhaps true freedom is anarchy... but I don't really desire anarchy - I like sleeping in my comfortable bed.
The more I do this, the more I feel sympathy for others, as I watch desire crushed by convention. I see those who wish to commit one act, only to enforce another upon themselves; the one which society has deemed 'acceptable'. Some make sense; murder, theft, physical violence, they don't help anyone. But think about it... who is going to feel hurt if I started jiving along to Mambo Number 5, in the middle of the cereal isle of my local ASDA?
I guess this is freedom - a mixture of not caring about reaction, while at the same time, never giving up to progression. To accept that there is no real competition in the world, beyond the internal battle we fight from within.
Or maybe this is all bollocks. And real freedom is to accept that with life comes death, with pleasure comes pain, with day comes night, and to stop worrying, thinking, or analyzing, and simply sit back and enjoy the roller-coaster of life, the way we were probably always meant to. Which if true, means I am writing this blog as a prisoner - this blue shirt on me right now kinda looks like something a convict would wear.
Time to find a public place and start dancing...